Today’s blog is made up of various snippets of my writing. I did a lot of scribbling in the early 1990s or so — wrote a lot to a friend, who wrote back. It was a fun time. I’ve saved my favorites.
I was a phototypesetter for a number of years in the ’80s and ’90s, primarily before desktop publishing enabled most people to type and design their own printed literature and advertisements. In the process, I came across some funny stuff — either from the copy I typed, or from the result of my typing. Here’s a snippet about one of those moments:
I want to first share with you a funny typo I made today at work. I was typing a Novella for Priests. I typed a couple lines in the “second prayer” with an error that my boss pointed out when she proofread it: “Draw them close to the Divine Hearth of Jesus, So inflamed with love for mankind.” Well, we don’t really know if Jesus had a hearth. He did have a heart. But to type, “…Divine Hearth of Jesus, so inflamed with love for mankind” isn’t actually so off-the-wall, considering the language they used. Picture Jesus at His Divine Fireplace, rocking in an oak chair, his lap covered with a beautiful calico quilt, smiling with utter love at humanity. “Yes,” Jesus would say, “My heart is like a roaring hearth, engulfed in flames of utter and burning love for all men and women. Come to me and I will give you warmth, lest you run straight into the burning fires of hell!”
Do you know what a scientific student who works in a lab with a famous professor should be called? A Scientific Institute brainee.
True story: There’s an ancient verse in a traditional hymn that goes like this:
“Be thou, O Lord, the rider; and we the little ass; that, to God’s Holy City together we may pass.”
I don’t think that one shows up in hymnals anymore.
There’s an ancient hymn that is popular especially among feminist women entitled, “If Men Go to Hell, Who Cares?”
Today, I am going to run to the grocery store while my clothes are soaking, swishing and chugging in the washing machines, and I’m going to pick up at least three things: yogurt, peach pie and hair spray. What kind of delectable concoction could one make with these three items? You could take the baked pie and throw it in a saucepan, then add the yogurt and cook for about 20 minutes on medium heat. After that, spray the top with a smattering of hair spray to solidify it, and you have Yogurt/Peach Masheroo.
Or you could invent a new line of peach yogurt, calling it Peach Pie Deluxe. Includes crust and all. The hair spray could be added as a special free gift offer if one bought 10 cartons of yogurt. Here are the steps you would go through to obtain the hair spray: Buy your 10 cartons of yogurt. Eat them all (not including the cartons). Return the empty containers to the grocery store. The store would promptly send your empty cartons to the manufacturers, and after three weeks you would get in the mail a note of thanks and a coupon authorizing you to return to the store. At the store, you would go to the customer service counter and they would sign your coupon authorizing you to receive a free bottle of hair spray. After the coupon was signed, you’d have to also print your name, address and phone number on the coupon, and send it promptly back to the manufacturer, enclosing the receipt from the store that proved you had indeed bought those ten cartons of yogurt. Once they received that proof and that coupon, they would send you a notice stating that in six weeks you would be receiving a coupon authorizing you to get your free bottle of hair spray, providing that on that specific date you also bought 10 cartons of Peach Pie Deluxe yogurt. So you would get the coupon, and you’d go to the store, and you’d buy 10 more cartons of Peach Pie Deluxe, along with your bottle of hair spray. The stipulations on the coupon would note, however, that you must return your empty cartons of yogurt and the bottle of hair spray to the store before you could get a refund on the hair spray which you’d have to pay for at the outset to prove that you indeed had complied with all the rules of the contest, and had actually used the hair spray up. Then, they would tell you that in order to get the refund for your first bottle of hair spray you must buy one bottle more along with 10 more cartons of Peach Deluxe Yogurt. By that time, you would be ready to take the hair spray bottle and shove it into places where the “sun don’t shine” if only you could ever, through the red tape runaround, get hold of the individual who cooked up this grandiose, twisted, torturous marketing promotion.
“What offer? Peach Pie Deluxe Yogurt? Oh, yes, we do have an offer — I think you need to get in touch with someone in the Coupons Department.”
“Coupons Department….an offer for free hair spray? Did you send in all your yogurt containers? Your authorization coupon? Your hair spray bottle? … These are the rules, ma’am, I’m sorry. You need to talk with someone in promotions about that. We just comply with the rules … have we ever actually given away a free bottle of hair spray? If you want to know that, I’ll have to connect you to the operator who can connect you to someone in the Redemption Department … where the sun doesn’t shine? That might be Norway, ma’am, and you’ll need to check with directory assistance; I don’t know what that area code is … asses? We don’t deal with donkeys around here — I’ll have to connect you with the Swanson Comp–” CLICK!
More snippets to come!